AN OP-ED PIECE
WE’RE F***ING AWESOME
by Ophelia the Octopus
If you're coming with us to the octopus party, you need to know a few things. One, don't make any jokes about sushi. It's cringe. Two, don't ask if you can touch their tentacles. We know you're curious because you don't have tentacles, but still. Not cool. Three, it's octopuses, not octopi. If you say "octopi," it's not offensive, per se. But they'll look at you like a clown. These purple sunnies won't slip or bounce while you dance with octopuses and have the best flocking night of your life.
LOOK GOOD, FLY GOODR.
1 NO SLIP
We use special grip coating and silicone nose inserts to construct our frame to help eliminate slippage when sweating.
2 NO BOUNCE
Our frame is flight-weight to prevent bouncing when running, biking, beasting, or exceeding speeds of Mach 5.*
*Not tested at hypersonic speed, but…we’re pretty sure.
3 ALL POLARIZED
The speed of light got nothing on you. These glare-reducing, polarized lenses with UV400 protection blocks 100% of those harmful UVA and UVB rays.
4 ALL SPEED
An all new shape built to give you the ultimate speed advantage whether you're crushing beers or crushing your competition.